I want God's gifts, but I don't want God
Ok, so to be one hundred percent honest (which is hard to do, but always the BEST thing to do) I have been fairly distant from God over the last few months.
It’s sad to say that even though I am a pastor’s wife, I haven’t been spending time in the Bible…barely at all. The excuses started months ago. First it was that we were so overwhelmed with our new foster kiddos, “B” and “G” that I slowly started to let my devotion time become less and less. We slowly adjusted to life as a family of 5, and I was learning to juggle the craziness, and knew I needed to dig into the Word in order to be the best mom I can be…then #littlesailorgirl came along, and sadly just a month later, B and G went back into kinship care.
I don’t want to say that I’ve been bitter towards God, because that isn’t the right wording, but I’ve definitely felt distant. I knew God didn’t set me on this path because I am faint of heart, but sometimes it just sucks losing so many kids.
I’ve spent the last 4 months trying to ignore the feelings, to try and just hug my girls a little tighter, but for some reason finding out that our baby due in April is a boy…just make me think of B constantly. He loved to be my little helper, and was definitely a momma’s boy. I don’t think I’ve let myself grieve their loss at all since they left, and quite frankly I haven’t opened my Bible except at church since then.
I think I knew deep down that if I dug into scripture, it would bring out all of the feelings I’ve been trying to push down. BUT you know how God has a way of making you face it??
Well, this Sunday, my dear hubby was preaching and a line he said stuck out to me so strongly, “You want God’s gifts, but you don’t want God.”
So true though right?!
Here I’ve been praying desperately for my children, or other random prayer requests, wanting God’s blessings and gifts, almost feeling like I DESERVED them after having my heart ripped out with B and G going home, but that is not what it is about.
We deserve nothing but death for the sins we have committed, yet somehow we feel entitled to God’s gifts…for what?? Because we have been through pain? Because we have been hurt? Because we have been good people? (let’s be real, we probably aren’t that good)
So here I am. 4 months later. About to crack open my Bible.
I’m ready. I’m ready to let God pour into me as I let the tears fall down my cheeks, letting him heal the wounds…because you know what? He knows the pain of losing a child. I knew getting into foster care that this would probably happen.
So who is with me? Who wants to forget about “gifts” from God this holiday season, and focus on his ONE TRUE gift Jesus Christ?? :D